I Hope You Know

I hope you know … above all else, you are the driving force behind what I do and what I fight for.

I hope you know … inside I’m crying when I have to do something for your own good that I know you won’t like.

I hope you know … it doesn’t hurt any less when I have to keep you from doing something you want to do when it isn’t good for you. “No” is not my favorite word no matter what you may think.

I hope you know . .. every time we go to the doctor and you complain, I talk about all the good that will come of it and remind you that things are so much better than they used to be because inside I also feel like complaining; I’m really saying all of of those things in an attempt to remind myself, too.

I hope you know … when you cry because you don’t want to wear your hearing aids or because something isn’t right inside a world that I can’t understand, I get frustrated because I can’t help you, and I know this is the way life is going to be. This is your reality. I give you the speech about looking at the bright side, but inside I’m so angry that you have to live this way that I can barely see straight.

I hope you know … when I hear another child say mean things to you, my heart shatters into a million pieces. Even if you don’t hear it, I carry it in my very soul. I pray every day, sometimes every hour, in the hopes you never have to know meanness and discrimination.

I hope you know … every time the phone rings when you’re at school, my heart skips a beat in fear that something has happened to you and I wasn’t there to keep you safe.

I hope you know … when I pick you up from school my stomach still knots up in fear that you’ve had a “bad day.” When I see your smile and your ‘thumbs-up” sign, my heartbeat slows down and I say a prayer of thanks.

I hope you know … these have been some of the most stressful, painful, heart-wrenching days of my life. Even when I’m smiling and laughing, there are days when I’m fighting so hard to stay positive that I’m surprised I haven’t broken in half. But…

I hope you know … none of it is a result of you; it’s in spite of you , and it’s because of you that I haven’t completely fallen apart.

I hope you know … even though I’ve been angry sometimes these past few months, I’m also grateful. I never thought we’d be dealing with all we have been, but I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished as a family.

I hope you know … I am in awe every single day. Watching you succeed in so many ways and seeing how happy you’ve become is amazing! Even when we have our backsliding moments, I find myself thankful of where we are. I’ll never be prouder of you than I am today… excluding, of course, all of the yesterdays and the tomorrows.

13 thoughts on “ I Hope You Know

  1. Wow Jenn you had me in tears halfway through. I think these are the thoughts of any mother regarding their child. Wow. Just to make us both giggle, about phones ringing from school – my cellphone ringtone for the school is a bullhorn. I did that so I could hear it anywhere because we don’t have a landline. Well I can’t tell you the sound of a bullhorn and knowing its the school will make me hurt myself getting to the phone and feeling faint by the time I answer. That’s love, huh? I only got two bullhorn rings this year. One he was sick and the other one I forgot his lunch.

  2. Wow, that was beautiful! I have certainly feared the worst for my own daughter, and feel like I have said each of these inside my head. You made me cry a good cry!

  3. What a beautiful post! I agree that you touched upon joys, sorrows and concerns common to all mothers. The one that touched me the most was the feeling of your heart shattering (brilliant wording) when someone hurts your child. I remember, actually it still happens, my mom being angrier than I was about anyone who hurt me. Now I totally get it.

  4. Beautiful post and so touching. I can relate to most of this though my children are still babies but I watched as my friends championed the causes of their autistic children and were every bit as strong, loving, and passionate as you. Your child is as lucky to have you as a mom as you are to have him.

  5. You have such a handsome boy, and he will treasure this post you wrote for him. It was beautiful.

    Stopping by from VoiceBoks!

  6. It’s like you took the words right out of my mouth! I feel the exact same way with Jacob and he’s not even walking yet! What have I gotten myself into! I love my child to bits! Being a Mom rocks! :D

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